dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..