Thinking about Jeff
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PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
no regrets
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My sex drive has a dui
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here