Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
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History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Noah was an idiot.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.