Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
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Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Sunday
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I can fix him.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away