My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
😏😏😏
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.