Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison