Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
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this is me
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*