[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)