[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.