*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
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Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*