Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I think I’m having a stroke
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”