please stand back I’m about to make this worse
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Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything