I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
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[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Van Gone
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.