My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.