Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
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using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
When your parents check you’re ok.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Strange
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]