Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Oh the world we live in…
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED