[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn