Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
You Might Also Like
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Growing out my freckles.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?