“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
A woman drives into a bar.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.