Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Sooo many times…..
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.