[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
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establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
*skinny dips into black hole
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”