A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
plums roundup
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.