I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
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Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Pandas 🐼🖤
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
They also CAN sing✌️
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Sticker placement is key.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.