Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Every work call, he judges.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Hell yeah 👍
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza