[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
For those that worship cheese..
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.