Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
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ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary