For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
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Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Seems a bit forward
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I have never related to a cat more
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.