*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
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I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career