The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
You Might Also Like
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
You wish you had this many chins.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”