I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.