Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
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Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
The news
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies