Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
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Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I put the p in pants.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Need WebMD
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.