Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
HOW DARE YOU
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT