Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.