Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
the greatest twitter interaction
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.