It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
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[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Wednesday
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
so weird how every mom was born today
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.