baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.