[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
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Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂