Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.