Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
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All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Breaking news:
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho