When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.