Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
This is my cat’s medicine.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.