{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
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In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Mission: Impossible
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive