My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond