I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
You Might Also Like
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Sunday
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”