10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
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I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
🔦🌙👣
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.