king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way