When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
You Might Also Like
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
me logging onto twitter
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
wtf is an acronym
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣