I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.