I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”